Melancholia

May. 4th, 2016 09:07 pm
eloquencejones: (Default)
[personal profile] eloquencejones
I'm sitting in a pub on my laptop listening to some terrible Spanish music while my wife pretends to be a vampire prince. I'm too sad to join her as a Finnish vampire journalist.

Sometimes my life sounds particularly strange when I put it into words, and normally I wouldn't change it at all, I love my wife and our strange hobbies, LARP is a lot of fun and it makes me pretty happy, but I'm struggling to be happy lately and I don't understand why.

I realise my hormones are particularly poorly placed, I am due on imminently and that usually spells badness for my emotional health, and it doesn't help that I recently lost out on a promotion at work to somebody I didn't feel was the best person for the job. There are other opportunities on the horizon but they seem too far away right now, the job that I love and enjoy has become a source of sadness and I wish I could shake it but I can't. I still enjoy it, and it still has all the things that I always loved about it, but for some reason I just feel... everything is a struggle. It took all my effort to go to roller derby last night, and I've only been doing that for just over a week, I shouldn't have that much struggle for a new hobby that I actually really like.

I was so proud of myself when I got home, I pushed through my sadness, I tried my hardest and I got somewhere, I could see the improvement, I did everything and I made it through, and then tonight... tonight I can't even bring myself to put on my star wars t-shirt and go through to the other room and pretend to be the happy little Finn I so adore to play.

I want to change but I don't know what to, I want to do something different, anything, I don't.... I barely even know what I'm typing right now I just wanted to get some thoughts onto the page and this seemed like the best method?

I mostly just feel out of it lately, like I'm having trouble connecting to anything, to people or things, I feel like nobody cares, but also feel selfish for thinking that? Like I feel like I can't imagine everybody hates me because that would be too self centred, so instead I just imagine that nobody is really bothered one way or another, and if I disappeared off the face of the internet tomorrow they probably would barely notice.

It's a real struggle and I have no idea what to do about it. I just don't know.
This account has disabled anonymous posting.
If you don't have an account you can create one now.
HTML doesn't work in the subject.
More info about formatting

May 2025

S M T W T F S
    123
45678910
11121314151617
18192021222324
25262728293031

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags