Melancholia

May. 4th, 2016 09:07 pm
eloquencejones: (Default)
[personal profile] eloquencejones
I'm sitting in a pub on my laptop listening to some terrible Spanish music while my wife pretends to be a vampire prince. I'm too sad to join her as a Finnish vampire journalist.

Sometimes my life sounds particularly strange when I put it into words, and normally I wouldn't change it at all, I love my wife and our strange hobbies, LARP is a lot of fun and it makes me pretty happy, but I'm struggling to be happy lately and I don't understand why.

I realise my hormones are particularly poorly placed, I am due on imminently and that usually spells badness for my emotional health, and it doesn't help that I recently lost out on a promotion at work to somebody I didn't feel was the best person for the job. There are other opportunities on the horizon but they seem too far away right now, the job that I love and enjoy has become a source of sadness and I wish I could shake it but I can't. I still enjoy it, and it still has all the things that I always loved about it, but for some reason I just feel... everything is a struggle. It took all my effort to go to roller derby last night, and I've only been doing that for just over a week, I shouldn't have that much struggle for a new hobby that I actually really like.

I was so proud of myself when I got home, I pushed through my sadness, I tried my hardest and I got somewhere, I could see the improvement, I did everything and I made it through, and then tonight... tonight I can't even bring myself to put on my star wars t-shirt and go through to the other room and pretend to be the happy little Finn I so adore to play.

I want to change but I don't know what to, I want to do something different, anything, I don't.... I barely even know what I'm typing right now I just wanted to get some thoughts onto the page and this seemed like the best method?

I mostly just feel out of it lately, like I'm having trouble connecting to anything, to people or things, I feel like nobody cares, but also feel selfish for thinking that? Like I feel like I can't imagine everybody hates me because that would be too self centred, so instead I just imagine that nobody is really bothered one way or another, and if I disappeared off the face of the internet tomorrow they probably would barely notice.

It's a real struggle and I have no idea what to do about it. I just don't know.
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