Melancholia
May. 4th, 2016 09:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
eloquencejonesI'm sitting in a pub on my laptop listening to some terrible Spanish music while my wife pretends to be a vampire prince. I'm too sad to join her as a Finnish vampire journalist.
Sometimes my life sounds particularly strange when I put it into words, and normally I wouldn't change it at all, I love my wife and our strange hobbies, LARP is a lot of fun and it makes me pretty happy, but I'm struggling to be happy lately and I don't understand why.
I realise my hormones are particularly poorly placed, I am due on imminently and that usually spells badness for my emotional health, and it doesn't help that I recently lost out on a promotion at work to somebody I didn't feel was the best person for the job. There are other opportunities on the horizon but they seem too far away right now, the job that I love and enjoy has become a source of sadness and I wish I could shake it but I can't. I still enjoy it, and it still has all the things that I always loved about it, but for some reason I just feel... everything is a struggle. It took all my effort to go to roller derby last night, and I've only been doing that for just over a week, I shouldn't have that much struggle for a new hobby that I actually really like.
I was so proud of myself when I got home, I pushed through my sadness, I tried my hardest and I got somewhere, I could see the improvement, I did everything and I made it through, and then tonight... tonight I can't even bring myself to put on my star wars t-shirt and go through to the other room and pretend to be the happy little Finn I so adore to play.
I want to change but I don't know what to, I want to do something different, anything, I don't.... I barely even know what I'm typing right now I just wanted to get some thoughts onto the page and this seemed like the best method?
I mostly just feel out of it lately, like I'm having trouble connecting to anything, to people or things, I feel like nobody cares, but also feel selfish for thinking that? Like I feel like I can't imagine everybody hates me because that would be too self centred, so instead I just imagine that nobody is really bothered one way or another, and if I disappeared off the face of the internet tomorrow they probably would barely notice.
It's a real struggle and I have no idea what to do about it. I just don't know.
Sometimes my life sounds particularly strange when I put it into words, and normally I wouldn't change it at all, I love my wife and our strange hobbies, LARP is a lot of fun and it makes me pretty happy, but I'm struggling to be happy lately and I don't understand why.
I realise my hormones are particularly poorly placed, I am due on imminently and that usually spells badness for my emotional health, and it doesn't help that I recently lost out on a promotion at work to somebody I didn't feel was the best person for the job. There are other opportunities on the horizon but they seem too far away right now, the job that I love and enjoy has become a source of sadness and I wish I could shake it but I can't. I still enjoy it, and it still has all the things that I always loved about it, but for some reason I just feel... everything is a struggle. It took all my effort to go to roller derby last night, and I've only been doing that for just over a week, I shouldn't have that much struggle for a new hobby that I actually really like.
I was so proud of myself when I got home, I pushed through my sadness, I tried my hardest and I got somewhere, I could see the improvement, I did everything and I made it through, and then tonight... tonight I can't even bring myself to put on my star wars t-shirt and go through to the other room and pretend to be the happy little Finn I so adore to play.
I want to change but I don't know what to, I want to do something different, anything, I don't.... I barely even know what I'm typing right now I just wanted to get some thoughts onto the page and this seemed like the best method?
I mostly just feel out of it lately, like I'm having trouble connecting to anything, to people or things, I feel like nobody cares, but also feel selfish for thinking that? Like I feel like I can't imagine everybody hates me because that would be too self centred, so instead I just imagine that nobody is really bothered one way or another, and if I disappeared off the face of the internet tomorrow they probably would barely notice.
It's a real struggle and I have no idea what to do about it. I just don't know.
